Observations and Thoughts of a NH Psychologist

January 6, 2012:    Co-producers John Larson and William Brangham made a brief documentary in Nashua about the impact of the economic recession.  Entitled, Help Wanted: New Hampshire, it aired nationally on PBS, on the eve of the NH Presidential Primary.  It is an installment of the weekly PBS program, Need to Know: Watch Fri., Jan. 6, 2011 on PBS. See more from Need to Know. I was glad to get my thirty seconds as "the marriage counselor" in this engaging video shot on the Main Street where I head to work each day.  I've looked out that window onto Main Street, Nashua, NH for twelve years, and worked locally for twenty-five:  that's how many recessions? Frankly, I would argue that "the recession" was the one which occurred in the 1989-1990 time frame, and that's when so much changed, never to fully "recover" in the sense that many of us would wish.  When I saw counseling clients during that recession circa 1...

The title of this podcast was, "How to Get Him to Propose, and Her to Say Yes."    It turned out to be a more free-flowing chat about commitment, "commitment phobia," and marriage.   So many of the ideas are ones that I enjoy discussing and wish I could have elaborated.  They are very relevant to premarital counseling and marriage counseling more generally, and come up regularly in the course of my work as a relationship-focused  psychologist. You can listen to this interview by clicking below: Listen to internet radio with Relationships360 on Blog Talk Radio ______________________________

This WMUR-TV interview and story dates back to 2009 but of course it's a never ending story!  The problems for relationships -- with boundaries, trust, fidelity, sharing, decision making, and communications -- certainly aren't new, but Internet technology magnifies the problems ... And some things about Facebook in particular seem to add to this. For example, when couples have profiles on Facebook, they have his and her profiles, not a shared profile. There's no convenient and fully functioning way to have a Couples Profile.  Yes, they can link to one another and make their relationship status clear.  Still, they are found by others and friended as individuals.  It can easily become too much about "me" not "us." One is found and friended by people more often from their individual past ... and partners' pasts may not intersect that much prior to their relationship with one another.  Not only are there people from your distant past, but th...

Couples Counseling Nashua, NH Listed at All About Counseling

Should you tell your teenager about your own past sweethearts?  How much do you tell and how do you talk about it?  A journalist recently e-mailed me those questions and it got me thinking.  She quotes me in her story , but I feel the urge to elaborate a bit. Recent psychological research on "happiness" makes clear that relationships are pivotal to happiness.    Studies of people's regrets in life show that relationship regrets top the list  [Not financial regrets, which actually are low on the list].   Personally, we all know that we have experienced the heights of happiness and the depths of despair over relationships .  Now we are parents and want our children to be happy.   We've learned a lot, wish we knew then what we know now, and want to help our teenagers.  Don't you sometimes wish you could teach them what you've learned about relationships?  We probably all wish we could somehow "download" to our child...

Have you ever noticed how certain personality differences between partners in a relationship can grow larger if the partners are not aware of them and careful to address this diverging tendency?  In working with couples,  I have seen how personality differences can reverberate between two people over time, making their differences seem larger and larger.  Eventually they become major recurring themes in couples' struggling or growing apart. For example, so many times I've seen couples where one person is "The Worrier" while the other is "The Laissez-Faire."  The Worrier does not feel better to hear from the Laissez-Faire partner, "Don't worry about it," "You worry too much,"  or "Just forget about it."  The Worrier may conclude that the partner "just doesn't get it," doesn't understand, believe or respect his or her concerns.  The Worrier feels increasingly alone with the worriers, bottled-up, not und...

Have you ever noticed that, in a happy relationship, the partners mirror one another in ways that feel good?  That are mutually validating?  That give a quick and hearty sense of understanding and support? I like the metaphor of a relationship being like two mirrors .  Each reflects back at the other an image that is consistent with the partner's positive self-image .  It's pleasing to know that your partner sees you the way you like to see yourself.  He or she appreciates who you are, and values you for the traits that you see as special and defining of yourself.  It doesn't take a lot of explaining or enhancing (as it might in the world outside of your love life).  At home you don't have to Photo Shop the image!  When a relationship starts to turn negative these images can get fuzzy and non-distinct.  The sense of understanding and appreciation gets blurred.  When relationships continue to spiral negatively, we each try to fix...

As a counselor for many years here in Southern New Hampshire,  I must say that I truly enjoy working with couples in premarital counseling .   For example, meeting with couples comparatively early in their relationship, we can explore communications and decision-making patterns which are just taking shape.  This makes it so much easie r to understand their developing relationship patterns, reinforcing the nice ways in which they support and complement one another, and bring out the best in each other ... but also the potential foibles and pitfalls.  We can talk about these in ways that might actually be an enjoyable part of a couple getting truly to know one another, and a helpful thing in the longer term. Of course premarital counseling involves talking about the here-and-now stress of all the decisions you face together as you head toward marriage.  This may include the wedding plans and details (and family topics that often come with that), ca...

In so many years doing marriage counseling here in Nashua, I have routinely asked couples, "What attracted you to him?"  "Why did it become serious with him , compared to other guys you dated?"  "How did she seem special compared to women you dated but didn't commit to marry?"  "Yes, other than her looks, what really enamored you about her ?" What I see, again and again, is how the same basic personality qualities that made that man or that woman seem very special in the early stages of the relationship now seems to be a main theme in their marital difficulties.  Of course those personality traits are framed in a different way later:  in a more negative way tinged with frustration, disappointment, and hurt feelings.  Yes, yes, I could joke about it:  "Love is blind ... And marriage restores vision!"  However, I believe there's a lot more to it.   We could talk or blog at great length about the significance of this, of what...