Observations and Thoughts of a NH Psychologist

Have you ever noticed that, in a happy relationship, the partners mirror one another in ways that feel good?  That are mutually validating?  That give a quick and hearty sense of understanding and support? I like the metaphor of a relationship being like two mirrors .  Each reflects back at the other an image that is consistent with the partner's positive self-image .  It's pleasing to know that your partner sees you the way you like to see yourself.  He or she appreciates who you are, and values you for the traits that you see as special and defining of yourself.  It doesn't take a lot of explaining or enhancing (as it might in the world outside of your love life).  At home you don't have to Photo Shop the image!  When a relationship starts to turn negative these images can get fuzzy and non-distinct.  The sense of understanding and appreciation gets blurred.  When relationships continue to spiral negatively, we each try to fix...

As a counselor for many years here in Southern New Hampshire,  I must say that I truly enjoy working with couples in premarital counseling .   For example, meeting with couples comparatively early in their relationship, we can explore communications and decision-making patterns which are just taking shape.  This makes it so much easie r to understand their developing relationship patterns, reinforcing the nice ways in which they support and complement one another, and bring out the best in each other ... but also the potential foibles and pitfalls.  We can talk about these in ways that might actually be an enjoyable part of a couple getting truly to know one another, and a helpful thing in the longer term. Of course premarital counseling involves talking about the here-and-now stress of all the decisions you face together as you head toward marriage.  This may include the wedding plans and details (and family topics that often come with that), ca...

In so many years doing marriage counseling here in Nashua, I have routinely asked couples, "What attracted you to him?"  "Why did it become serious with him , compared to other guys you dated?"  "How did she seem special compared to women you dated but didn't commit to marry?"  "Yes, other than her looks, what really enamored you about her ?" What I see, again and again, is how the same basic personality qualities that made that man or that woman seem very special in the early stages of the relationship now seems to be a main theme in their marital difficulties.  Of course those personality traits are framed in a different way later:  in a more negative way tinged with frustration, disappointment, and hurt feelings.  Yes, yes, I could joke about it:  "Love is blind ... And marriage restores vision!"  However, I believe there's a lot more to it.   We could talk or blog at great length about the significance of this, of what...